so yeah, this is my introduction post so here goes;
i'm 17 and im from scotland. I've been depressed since i was 9, was diagnosed at 13 and was put on flouxetine not long afterwards. I've self harmed quite a bit and I've got the scars to prove it. I've attempted suicide twice and obviously failed both times. I've been on and off so much medication; flouxetine, sertraline, mirtazepine, amitryptiline, chlorpromazine, tamazepam, buspar and voltarol or something? idk. i'm currently on amitryptiline for depression and anxiety and the voltarol or w/e for insomnia. diagnosis? severe clinical depression with episodes of self harm accompanied by suicidal idealisation and generalised anxiety disorder.
i've been passed about from GP to GP, psychiatrist to psychiatrist and psychologist to psychologist. I've finally found a fantastic psychologist and a good psychiatrist.
I had a total breakdown in May. I was badly self harming and I took a big bunch of pills. I wasn't kept as inpatient thank god but was pretty damn close. instead I was in outpatient. A month later I was raped and had another breakdown. I didnt sleep or eat for days and when i did i had the worst nightmares, I couldn't leave the house by myself and I didn't stop crying for about a week. I was prescribed a diazepam like med for a few weeks to calm me down and then i was given even more intensive therapy.
I used to have a huge problem with alcohol and weed. I drank pretty much every day and I smoked weed pretty much every day too. I drank until i was knocked out basically. I've had so many bad experiances with alcohol. i've fell and burst my nose open and not remembered the next morning. i've tried to climb up a hill and fell back with such force that i knocked myself out. i've been sick so badly because of it that i've burst a blood vessel in my eye. every single time without fail I'd drink so much that I was sick but I'd still go and do it the next time. I had to get literally carried home at least once a week because I was too drank to move. I've been so stoned that I couldn't even walk; my legs literally went from under me when I tried to move. I honestly believed i'd be dead before i was 20 and so i done so many stupid things and didn't care about the consequences. my liver is fucked because of the overdoses and the drink. i rarely drink now because I just can't handle it anymore; one tiny drop of vodka and i'm automatically sick. and I rarely smoke weed too because its what made me have the panic disorder and it's made me have short term memory problems.
my immune system is the crappiest ever. like seriously it's so bad. since 2005 i've been unwell at least once a month. i've been in hospital a few times and had to get hooked up to loads of machines cause of it.
2005; throat infections and/or chest infections. yep, at the same time. croup, viruses, etc.
2006; tonsilitis all the time. eventually it was every 2 weeks until i finally got my tonsils out. and even then it went infected.
2007; throat infections, laryngitis.
I actually have laryngitis right now. I had it for 5 weeks, it went away for 2 and has been back again for 2 weeks. im going to hospital about it if it's not away in a week. idk im getting a camera thing shoved down my throat. i've been on so many antibiotics that hardly any work now.
it has been suggested that i may have CFS (chronic fatgue syndrome) but who knows. I've had loads of tests. the only thing wrong with me is low blood preassure
I have a huge issue with my weight. I used to be heavy then I lost a lot of weigh then thanks to mirtazepine i gained almost 40lbs in 2 months. yes, 40lbs. that stuff makes you constantly hungry and makes you crave all of the wrong foods so badly. i've lost 20lbs of that, still got another 20 to go then maybe 20 after that too. idk. i just really don't like myself. i've convinced myself that being thin would magically cure all of my problems. logically i know it wont but im in denial about that. I don't care much about my health so im losing the weight in the fastest way possible; restriction, diet pils and excersise. just like i used to do.
another huge issue is my insomnia. I could easily go 2 full days without sleep. sometimes in a week i can only have 3 hours sleep a night and can still function. other times i sleep all day and all night and i'm still tired.
the amitryptiline and seeing karen (psychologist) is making things a lot easier. my anxiety disorder is virtually non existent. I still dont sleep for days then sleep for days at a time, the insomnia has gotten worse but the depression hasn't. i dont even know how to explain it but thinks are clearer in my head. its like a haze has been lifted. there is still a huge black cloud and i still get very down but it's not as bad as before. I don't feel the need to drink until I pass out to make myself feel better. I do still self harm but it's not as bad and not as frequent. I don't care about my health but i do care about what i'm doing to others by the stupid stuff i do. it's not that i didn't care before but i was so consumed by depression that all i wanted to do was die and the want was so high that i couldnt think about anyone else but myself.