Depressed Teens' Journal|
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|Monday, March 24th, 2008|
add me plz
i've always felt pretty depressed. but now more than ever. since ive been kicked outa school i cant see my gf (yes im bi) and its been killing me. i used to cut myself and ive been thiniking about doing it again but i get checked every now and then and thats the only thing stopping me from sliting my wrists. if anyone can relate to me plz add me on sn mine is scenepunk4life. plz add me on this. i have hardly any friends outside of lj and want someone to talk about stuff too.
plz help me
|Sunday, March 16th, 2008|
Its in a humans nature to look for happiness isn't it?
And even if you find it. you will always look for something else.
I'm no different.
I'm selfish for being depressed because compared to other people, my life is a dream.
I feel guilty and ashamed because of my selfishness and this makes me even more depressed.
It's a never ending circle of feelings that will always have the same result.
I don't want to be alive.
But then again, I don't want to die either.
What do I want?!
The thought of leaving everyone I love and fading out of existence scares me shit less.
Both the thought of living and dieing are unbearable to me (which is probably why I've never tried anything on my life, though I've thought about it more then once).
I serve as a punching bag, I stay quiet and let other people vent out on me.
My suicidal sister
My abused friend
My anorexic friend with a self image problem
I let them vent because I'm afraid that if I don't, then they'll have no one else to go to and something bad might happen.
I coop it all up (both my problems and theirs) because I am unable to let anyone know just how depressed I am (which is why i choose to use this community -as a way to vent).
I am emotionally handicapped. I keep everything to myself, unable to cry even if I wanted to until I finally blow, usually at the worst timings too (PE class, when I'm walking to my bus stop in the dark, etc). The tears flow involuntarily and i can't stop them until I'm completely dried out.
I can't show people my true feelings no matter how hard I try.
At school, to everyone else, I am happy. I am a strait A student, an athlete, I am always smiling. I am good.
Few know how little I care about school or how rebellious i really am.
Fewer know that I smoke, because, thats when I am truly numb and unaware of everything ( I'm trying to stop. I'm trying really hard to stop).
No one knows how truly unhappy I am. Current Mood: fake
|Wednesday, February 20th, 2008|
Hi my name is Jared Farmer(dont comment on my las name please) i'm 15 and totaly depressed. my girlfriend and 3 other buds dies in a car crash, i was driving and drunk, im cutting, suicidel, and looking for a way out of my suicidel mind. Current Mood: depressed
|Friday, December 14th, 2007|
december 14th ??
Ok well my name is taylor and Im 13 years old.Im scared and really need some help but I dont know where to turn.
Well see last year we had this lady come in and talk to us about suicide and depression and I got really worried because I was experiencing some of the same symptoms. Lately Ive gotten more.
-Im always angry and easily irratated.
-Im having sleeping problem
-I go long periods of time without eating.. and sometimes when I do eat I reguritate it back
-I used to love reading and basketball and lately I hate it
-I have self hate ( recovering cutter)
-My freinds always tell me to stop saying srry because I apologize for everything
-I blame other ppls problems on myself
and I m so scared because if I do have depression then I am in trouble because I could never tell my parents that Im a (failing)recovering cutter, sumtimes I dont eat and I think Im depressed
I cant just walk up 2 my father and say oh dad hi I think I m depressed. He will just laugh and say o alright. Plus I dont want anyone to get upset with me and not want 2 b my freind or think IM weird
PLEASE PLEASE help me. I want 2 do sumthing before I lose everyone close to me!
Current Mood: depressed
I'm sure i remember coming on here a few years ago? idk but if i did it would've been under a differant user name anyway.
so yeah, this is my introduction post so here goes;
i'm 17 and im from scotland. I've been depressed since i was 9, was diagnosed at 13 and was put on flouxetine not long afterwards. I've self harmed quite a bit and I've got the scars to prove it. I've attempted suicide twice and obviously failed both times. I've been on and off so much medication; flouxetine, sertraline, mirtazepine, amitryptiline, chlorpromazine, tamazepam, buspar and voltarol or something? idk. i'm currently on amitryptiline for depression and anxiety and the voltarol or w/e for insomnia. diagnosis? severe clinical depression with episodes of self harm accompanied by suicidal idealisation and generalised anxiety disorder.
i've been passed about from GP to GP, psychiatrist to psychiatrist and psychologist to psychologist. I've finally found a fantastic psychologist and a good psychiatrist.
I had a total breakdown in May. I was badly self harming and I took a big bunch of pills. I wasn't kept as inpatient thank god but was pretty damn close. instead I was in outpatient. A month later I was raped and had another breakdown. I didnt sleep or eat for days and when i did i had the worst nightmares, I couldn't leave the house by myself and I didn't stop crying for about a week. I was prescribed a diazepam like med for a few weeks to calm me down and then i was given even more intensive therapy.
I used to have a huge problem with alcohol and weed. I drank pretty much every day and I smoked weed pretty much every day too. I drank until i was knocked out basically. I've had so many bad experiances with alcohol. i've fell and burst my nose open and not remembered the next morning. i've tried to climb up a hill and fell back with such force that i knocked myself out. i've been sick so badly because of it that i've burst a blood vessel in my eye. every single time without fail I'd drink so much that I was sick but I'd still go and do it the next time. I had to get literally carried home at least once a week because I was too drank to move. I've been so stoned that I couldn't even walk; my legs literally went from under me when I tried to move. I honestly believed i'd be dead before i was 20 and so i done so many stupid things and didn't care about the consequences. my liver is fucked because of the overdoses and the drink. i rarely drink now because I just can't handle it anymore; one tiny drop of vodka and i'm automatically sick. and I rarely smoke weed too because its what made me have the panic disorder and it's made me have short term memory problems.
my immune system is the crappiest ever. like seriously it's so bad. since 2005 i've been unwell at least
once a month. i've been in hospital a few times and had to get hooked up to loads of machines cause of it.
2005; throat infections and/or chest infections. yep, at the same time. croup, viruses, etc.
2006; tonsilitis all the time. eventually it was every 2 weeks until i finally got my tonsils out. and even then it went infected.
2007; throat infections, laryngitis.
I actually have laryngitis right now. I had it for 5 weeks, it went away for 2 and has been back again for 2 weeks. im going to hospital about it if it's not away in a week. idk im getting a camera thing shoved down my throat. i've been on so many antibiotics that hardly any work now.
it has been suggested that i may have CFS (chronic fatgue syndrome) but who knows. I've had loads of tests. the only thing wrong with me is low blood preassure
I have a huge issue with my weight. I used to be heavy then I lost a lot of weigh then thanks to mirtazepine i gained almost 40lbs in 2 months. yes, 40lbs. that stuff makes you constantly hungry and makes you crave all of the wrong foods so badly. i've lost 20lbs of that, still got another 20 to go then maybe 20 after that too. idk. i just really don't like myself. i've convinced myself that being thin would magically cure all of my problems. logically i know it wont but im in denial about that. I don't care much about my health so im losing the weight in the fastest way possible; restriction, diet pils and excersise. just like i used to do.
another huge issue is my insomnia. I could easily go 2 full days without sleep. sometimes in a week i can only have 3 hours sleep a night and can still function. other times i sleep all day and all night and i'm still tired.
the amitryptiline and seeing karen (psychologist) is making things a lot easier. my anxiety disorder is virtually non existent. I still dont sleep for days then sleep for days at a time, the insomnia has gotten worse but the depression hasn't. i dont even know how to explain it but thinks are clearer in my head. its like a haze has been lifted. there is still a huge black cloud and i still get very down but it's not as bad as before. I don't feel the need to drink until I pass out to make myself feel better. I do still self harm but it's not as bad and not as frequent. I don't care about my health but i do care about what i'm doing to others by the stupid stuff i do. it's not that i didn't care before but i was so consumed by depression that all i wanted to do was die and the want was so high that i couldnt think about anyone else but myself.
|Saturday, November 24th, 2007|
I am new
Hey my name is chris tedlock i became depressed at age 12 when my dad passed away i never got over it mainly cause its only been a year but also because i am scared to cause my dwelling on it is the only thing keeping him in my thoughts (i dont have a great memory i can only remember big events in my life) if i got over it, if its possible, my dad would slip away from my memory almost completely that scares me anyways i joined this group to connect with people like me.
Is this comuntiy still regualar? :/
|Sunday, June 24th, 2007|
i'm lindsey. i'm 18 years old and was diagnosed with depression when i was 12. i've had my share of other problems(eating disorder, anxiety, mania). i absolutely hate seeing therapists, and am not keen on taking medication but i'm trying it anyway. i smoke pot every day(and it's the only thing that will make me feel better, so don't you dare give me shit about it) and i'm just tired of hating myself and feeling like everyone thinks i'm this crazy bitch.
i feel horrible for my boyfriend. he has to deal with me being manic, having panic attacks, being depressed, and wanting to die. well, not really wanting to die, i want more than anything just to be sane. but when something goes wrong i can't help but think "you should just kill yourself" over and over again.
it seems like no one understands depression.
my boyfriend asks "why can't you just be happy?"
and i don't know why.
but anyway, i don't know. i'm hoping to make some friends and get some support. feel free to add me if you want to.
|Thursday, June 14th, 2007|
Hi everyone! Ive never posted here before., but i need some advice or anything. i feel so alone.
Ive been depressed off and on for what seems like forever and im only 16.
Today was my last day of school and Im not even really happy. Im relieved that i dont have to do homework anymore (not that i could concentrate or really get it done anyways) but its like i cant even feel happy anymore. Do you guys feel like this?
I want help so bad. I want out of this mad cycle of depression, eating disorders, and cutting. Whats wrong with me. jeesh. Me and my mom dont really get along and my dads basically non existant. I really want to tell my mom, because i want to talk to a therapist or somehting but i cant. I kinda tried today, on the phone, but she just chewed me out on my grades. Ive never done bad in school before this semester. everythings gotten so much worse. I hate her so how am i supposed to tell her. I cant live like this anymore. im so stuck. =[ Current Mood: frustrated
|Friday, April 27th, 2007|
Have you guys ever looked back and seen when you were little you were so happy. I dont have that happiness anymore and I dont know what made me happy. I think some of it was my best friend but we got into a fight and havent got to talking anymore.
Im wondering what did you do when you got really depressed and there was nothing to do?
|Monday, January 29th, 2007|
Another needs help
I feel so alone and lost. People tell me that it's normal for my age, but it's not normal. They say I'm not alone, but I can't help but feel so. I'm falling behind in school, drifting away from my family and friends. This time last year, I'd hang out with friends. This year, I'm behind the library smoking. I need serious help, but I can't get it. If anyone wants to talk, please do so. thanks in advance
|Thursday, December 21st, 2006|
Well. I've been feeling a little bit better for the past week or so. I think it helps that I'm on break now & I haven't had to deal with school. Or see certain people every day. & I've been feeling a bit less helpess & alone. It's not a good feeling, persay, but just not as bad as before. I don't know, it's hard to explain. It was just kind of nice. But then it all came crashing down a couple of days ago & I'm right back where I started.
Has that ever happened to anyone before? You don't really know why, but you're just not feeling as depressed, & then the second something bad happens you just lose every bit of that feeling? It's like there's no escape. For months I've felt this way, & when for whatever reason I'm not feeling as bad as before, it all goes away.
I think part of the reason I've been feeling a little better is because I'm getting closer with that friend of mine who I've been wanting to talk to about this but have been too afraid to try. & it's just... really nice talking to him. Because even though he has no idea when I'm feeling really depressed, he always makes me feel better. & I trust him a lot. & I really thought he'd be there for me if I decided to tell him. Which was a huge comfort. But, I was wrong.
The other day when we were talking he mentioned his sister. Whom I've never met before, but I know they don't get along. Because, guess what. Apparently she's been depressed for four years. & I don't know what hurt the most. The fact that he said he can't stand it, or that he told me he used to love her to death but it's been really hard since she's been sick. It was just... a huge slap in the face. & even though... I know him. He's not being a jerk. & I know he never would have said that, had he known. I can even understand some of the stuff he said. But those two things... they just stuck. & that's when I knew that I could never sit down one day & pour out my feelings, because he's already dealing with his sister. Why would he want to put up with me, too? I don't know. It made me feel like shit, frankly. It made me feel like all he'd see is another burden, & would have a hard time caring about me anymore. & that would tear me apart.
So. That's all. I'm trying to forget about it, & enjoy the holidays, & my family, but it's hard. I feel like I'm stuck. Again.
But, with that said, I hope everyone else is having a good holiday. Merry Christmas :]
|Monday, December 4th, 2006|
i can't take it anymore.
i hate my school, i hate my class.
my mum says that i've got friends,but i feel i haven't got ONE.
they're too much different from me. they think other things.
they enjoying drink,smoke,have sex,have fun,they don't think at consequences. I do.
Oh shit,no i'm not a nun. I just thought I WAS a normal teenager,who hanged out
with her friends,laughed at all. But people around me changed so fast.
I feel like i'm not normal anymore.
I haven't got friends at school and out from my school.
I go out with my parents who are the best,but i know i can't ever go out with my parents!
I can be indipendent,i know that,but I'm so afraid..
day begins whit "shit no.. school again.. no,please.." i'm so sad,so sad and depressed.
school was never hard for me,because i had friends in it.
but now no,and school starts to be hard,even if i study.
i can't concentrate anymore.
i am so scary
i am afraid this will never ends.
i want friends at school,like i always had.
i was fine.
and now not.
|Monday, November 27th, 2006|
Well, I changed my mind :\
This is xbittersweetx66... I left the community under that username but I kept thinking that maybe this could have helped. & then I saw some of your comments & I wanted to take your advice, so... here I am. It's kind of a nice feeling knowing that I'm free to write whatever I want, & I don't have to worry about freaking my friends out.
Um. I didn't go to school today. I get migraines, & I had a really bad one all day yesterday... It didn't go away until late last night, so my mom didn't make me go to school. That was nice of her, but now I'm wishing I didn't have to go tomorrow either. Or the next day. Or the next.
I never really introduced myself properly, so.. my name is Natalie, & I'm 17. I'm getting really good at hiding my depression from the people I care about, so no one really knows about it. I've never been diagnosed, & I've never seen a therapist.
Ironically, though, that is what I am studying to be.
Thanks for listening.
|Friday, November 24th, 2006|
I joined this community because I need to know that I'm not the only person who doesn't understand anything about myself except the fact that I'm never happy anymore. & right after I make this post I'm quitting this community because my friends don't need to know about the dark place I'm in right now.
I don't really know where to start. I don't know if I should call myself depressed or not. I just don't know. The past year has been hard for me because everything seems to be going wrong, but these past few months have been complete hell. I can't even put into words half of what I'm feeling. I've never been the type to share my feelings & sometimes I get so mad at myself because I feel like such a fake. I act happy & I laugh along with my friends but my heart is never in it. I'm just fooling everyone & I pretend things don't bother me when they really do. I don't really know why I feel the need to hide the fact that I feel like shit but I do. I guess I don't feel like anyone would understand anyway. & what I hate right now is that I sound like I'm whining.
Often I ask myself what the point is. I honestly can't think of a reason why I'm doing this anymore. I sit there and wonder why I put myself through this every day. I think about dying. It's gotten really bad lately and the past two months I've thought about death every day. There are so many reasons why I want to stop living, and every time I think of it I am only filled with relief. I'm tired. I'm done. All I really want to do is say goodbye to everyone and be free. I've thought about suicide countless times but I could never bring myself to do it because I don't want to put my family through that. They're the only reason why I haven't done it and the thought of the pain I could potentially put them through stops me from coming close.
I feel like I'm slipping and there's nothing to hold onto. My grades are terrible. I'm failing a freaking AP class. And the worst part is I don't care. I'm numb. I can't get motivated anymore. I feel like there is absolutely no point to anything I do. I'm distancing myself from my friends and losing interest in everything I used to love. I used to write all the time. I just don't do it anymore. I don't feel like any of my friends really get me, but that's all my own fault because I don't let anyone get close anymore.
I know that something has to be wrong with me. No normal person would say things like this. No normal person would want to die so bad and no normal person would feel so relieved at the thought of death. No normal person would ever injure themselves on purpose.
I can think of one person I want to talk to about this. He's amazing, he really is. We have so much in common. I trust him completely. I know he would never judge me. I know that I can be myself around him and he doesn't care. He appreciates me for who I am. I feel so comfortable around him. I feel like I can talk to him. I absolutely adore him. Yet I do the same thing with him as I do with everyone else. I hide my true feelings and pretend it's okay when it really isn't. Sometimes I want to tell him everything but I'm so afraid of ruining our friendship. It would be such a shock for him and I'm terrified of freaking him out because I can't afford to lose the one bit of sanity left in my life. I know that people say that it helps to talk about it but I don't know if he would ever think of me the same way again. I'm afraid that if he sees how fucked up I really am it will scare him away. And that would kill me.
I used to be really optimistic and I'm not really sure what happened. Sometimes I have enough strength to remind myself that I have a lot of things I need to be thankful for. Sometimes I get really mad at myself because I feel like I'm being ungrateful. I cling to that tiny bit of light, and the precious moments when I can forget, for just a second, everything that makes it hurt so much. As much as I've gone through and however much I feel like I can't go on anymore, I at least have the strength to stick it out. I know that it's not good to think about dying so much but I have made a promise to myself never to take the easy way out. Despite the pain I feel I would never knowingly inflict pain on my family. I just have to remind myself of that more often.
I was reading old entries in my journal tonight (a real one, not online) and I started crying because it brought back a fresh wave of memories and pain. Sometimes I was in such a dark place I'm amazed that I ever found the strength or the will to get through the night. But I did. And I guess that's all I have left to hold onto.
Thanks for listening. I wish everyone here the best. If you ever need to talk, you can email me at email@example.com.
|Sunday, November 19th, 2006|
I have just had a major panic attack. I was thinking about my friend in school. She started this year along with me and has already got herself a boyfriend. It just made me feel like a big freak considering I haven't even kissed a guy in my life and I'm 17 years old. I know it's because of my lack of self confidence whice mades me shy and quiet but I don't know how to change.
Does anyone have any advice for me.
|Wednesday, November 8th, 2006|
new to this.
Looks like no one really updates in this but hopefully someone will read this and help me.
I need help.
Im in love with my ex. and need to be with him.
I also cant stand the fact that evreyone in this fucking world is so happy. why the hell cant i be happy for once.
i want to be happy.
i want to beskinny
i want to be my old self.
why cant i just be it. Current Mood: bitchy
hi there livejournal
I need some advice and this community looks really helpful. I don't know if I'm depressed or not, but I think somethings going on. In the past few months I just haven't been myself. I've been eating a lot, binging, which isn't normal for me. Whenever I'm alone, I don't feel like doing anything. I'm very into sewing and used to do it all the time, but not so much anymore. I'm just mooching around.
One of my good friends told me at the end of the summer that she simply didn't want to be my friend anymore and said she hated me. We didn't speak until recently. She's trying to get on my good graces again, but I realized...I don't want to be her friend. I've been realizing as I've been with my friends that I really don't like most of them. They are fake, petty, and annoying.
This might not be related, but I've been crying over really random things. typically when stuff isn't organized properly. My linen closet was in disarray and I bawled. I couldn't take it being so messy so I had to clean it right away. That's happened a few times...but that could be something else entirely.
I'm worried...Could this be related in any way to college stress? I'm a senior in hs and everyone pretty much knows that game.
|Wednesday, October 25th, 2006|
I haven't really had any problems since starting my new school but now the debs are being organised and all I can see is me alone that night. I've never had a boyfriend, never even been kissed and totally hopeless when it comes to fellas.
My problem is that I need to find someone to go with. I have very low self confidence. I have fallen out of touch with all my old guy friends and we are not allowed bring someone from my new school because then there wont be enough numbers.
Any advice is appreciated.
im healing, i just want to say thanks to everyone who's helped me here. i'm feeling so much better, im actually happy this is a great community, its so helpful, my depression is finally healing, no more depression. I'm still having some trouble, and im still a bit depressed but im better because it doesnt last long. i just want to say thanks to everyone here who helped me.